Before you read any further I would firstly like to clarify I am a woman.
Secondly, thank the lord I do not have to spend the rest of my life with one.
I wish there was a guide to women I could write to help you boys/girls out there.
Unfortunately, women are bizarre psychotic creatures that exist on earth disguised as seducing goddesses with silky hair, soft skin, rosy cheeks, luscious lips and irresistible bodies.
I see them as the equivalent of a gourmet burger. You want one. You need one. It looks tempting. Forget the diet. Forget the saving fund. But oh how messy it is to eat. The effort taken to ensure you have a taste of each ingredient in that one bite. Even after it gets to the point where you feel you couldn’t possible carry on, you just can’t put it down. Even if you found a hair in the burger or suffered from food poisoning the next morning you will never say no when offered a burger.
So I decided to give you a little breakdown of the craziness within women. Call it the female menu shall we.
The top 10 ingredients of the female kind are as follows:
1) THE PARANOIA! “It’s been three minutes… three minutes I tell you and he has not messaged back. I know exactly what his hands are busy with”. Even if the poor guy was literally snoozing he would still be expected to wake to that text and respond immediately. Otherwise the only logical answer is that he’s screwing with the milk mans wife. Obviously.
2) “ITS FINE”! Ooh now you know you are in trouble! It is never “fine”.It is never “okay”. It is never “do what you want”. Note… Do not do what you want and do not walk away thinking that’s the end of that. You will be sleeping on the sofa. You will not know what you did wrong. But you will be expected to be understanding and greet us with chocolates and roses at the next encounter.
3) TIME OF THE MONTH. There is no help here. No matter what you do, you will lose. This is the one week where even Scarlett Johansson turns into hulk. You’re on your own here.
4) WEIGHT. Lisa told Kelly who heard from Janet that Adams first wife Tanya was seen wearing the leathers she wore before pregnancy. Baby fat gone. Apparently she sucked on boiled eggs every morning and sniffed chocolate every night for 6 weeks. Tanya is now a goddess who will instantly be hated and Kelly and Lisa including the rest of the female kind will suck on two eggs and sniff five chocolate bars every night. The lengths taken to shed a few pounds is not as simple as a morning jog, because that’s not what Tanya did.
5) AGEING. In a similar way as the above, women will slap anything on their face if they are told it will fight away those wrinkles or fine lines. Just paint the face with Hemorrhoid cream because that’s apparently what everyone is doing. Logic! Even makeup. Who knows what is contains. Wale fat? Bat venom? Snake skin? If it makes us look anything like Heidi Klum…sold!
6) OUTFIT CLASH. Right, if a guy walked into a bar and spotted a bloke wearing the same shirt as him it would probably go unnoticed. A little chuckle to themselves maybe. Now reverse the roles. Woman black dress. Another woman black dress. Same bar. Same day. Hell breaks loose. Night ruined. Hate campaign against the girl. Boycott the bar. Never shop from that store again. You sit and ask why bad things happen to good people.
7) PARKING. Why drive when you literally need a taxi to reach the store as you park five miles out where no car can possibly be in the way. Yet somehow someone’s wing mirror still got hit.
8) OVERREACTION. “They had a mutual break up”. “Oh my godddd how did this happen. Her life is over. She’s nearly 30. Her clocks ticking. Prime years are over. She has no hope in life now. Has she thought of adopting? I need to be a supportive friend. I will take Ben & Jerry’s, gift 12 cats and ring adoption agencies. Phew! I’ve got it under control.” What would we do without that one friend.
9) OPINION. “What do you think of this dress? It makes me look a little chunky doesn’t it. Actually I prefer the other dress, I’m wearing that.” Boy:” yeah the other dress is nice too. Girl: ” OMG are you seriously calling me fat. Do I look like a whale. I knew it. You just don’t love me anymore.”
10) COMPLIMENT. So we decide to introduce him to one of the girlfriends. “She’s absolutely great you’ll love meeting her.” Trap. Warning. This is a trap. He foolishly says: ” she was lovely, very pretty girl.” Just pack the bags and get out of the country. In her mind you’ve cheated, she can now visualise the hanky panky. Wedding bells ringing. Babies popping out. Three strikes too late.
I guess the female form is one scientists even struggle with. There’s never a right answer. She sometimes doesn’t even know how she’s feeling herself. You just can’t win. No such thing as a detox. No such thing as a manual. You know what they say… you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.
GOODLUCK…her final words!