BURKINI BAN REMOVED… World order restored

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Oh thank the Lord after years of struggle with ISIS, Jihad, suicide bombers and terrorist attacks we finally have a saviour and it’s called the BURKINI BAN.

This mighty law will strike ISA where it hurts… their beachwear!
Muslim women will now have to wax, wear sunscreen and pay for triangles attached with string because of course everyone should conform to the western way of life..loh crap I meant the democracy we live in.

Or maybe this will isolate those women, it will dictate what they can and cannot wear, if they do not conform it will be clear where they can and cannot go and further pull at the string of difference… oh sorry, I got that wrong, that was her bearded Muslim husbands job , right?

We are in a grave mess that none of us are even close to understanding from meaningless wars, man made poverty, economic turmoil, natural disasters escalating and Trump…lets just throw him in there too.

Yet, we want to sit here and discuss what women can and cannot wear. In particular, one religious group of women who have been targeted because they themselves have decided that covering up their junk in the trunk by wearing nothing more different to a wet suit is an issue. But hey France you are going to free all Muslim women by telling/fining/intimidating them on what to wear…you son of a liberator.

But worry not world, everything has been put back into place because since then protests and petitions have taken place and France has decided that the Burkini Ban being enforced on the countries beaches is now illegal and a violation of fundamental liberties. Phew…

Now let’s ignore the mayors in the country that are refusing to action this, of course Burkini banning boards will be removed ASAP, fines will be refunded ASAP with compensation, those women and families who have been humiliated will wake up tomorrow as if nothing happened and everyone can enjoy their summer holidays at the beach again because of course nothings awkward now and everyone feels comfortable about who they are and what they can do.

The Burkini Ban incident has shown the world at what a pathetic stage of solving the terrorism problem we really are at and now the sexism problem might as well be dealt with since we are here.

But I’m just a vulnerable Muslim girl who doesn’t have a voice and needs to be told what to do and think…right?
Or is that how society has created the majority of us out there who browse endlessly on celebrity red carpet images, best dressed and worst dressed lists so we can comment and scrutinise who wore what, whose body has changed, what’s the new trend so we can all obsess over what we need to conform to and ignore the bigger problems in life or just life itself…there’s nothing bizarre about that right?

From the receptionist sent home earlier this year because she wasn’t wearing high heels, to Venus Williams wearing a skirt that is ‘too short’ for her powerful thighs, to the Burqa ban in France since when did women give anyone else permission to tell them what was right or wrong of them to wear.

Or did we even have this power to begin with.

Is the Burkini vs. Bikini debate a religious one? A sexist one? Or is it a symptom of scared, lost, powerless people in powerful positions?

All I know is that this is not the end.

By Sameera Rafiq

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First Year Marriage Survival Kit – Happy Anniversary Boo!

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One year ago today I said the infamous words “I DO” – well the six kalmay!

Today I’m sat here with a broken foot (I do fully believe he was behind part of the planning to my fall), rash on my face because he got my moisturisers mixed up and ever so slight constipation because he keeps feeding me Cocodamol to shut me up!

Welcome to married life!

You thought it was going to be all romantic wining and dining, dancing in the rain with him grinding on a rose between his teeth (yes only between his teeth) – well I’ve got a newsflash for you and it’s called the MIL… hey I’m only joking guys even I’m not that crazy enough to go there (yet!)

The most popular phrase newlyweds will hear is: “the first year of marriage is always the hardest” – of course after 12 months the mighty bells will ring and the fairies will sprinkle their magic dust and fix that broken man… I didn’t have time for that shiz plus last time I faked a broken tooth so I could get some £kerching£ off the tooth fairy and it didn’t work out too well, so seeing that they all belong to the same family I thought word may have got round and I’d be doomed so I took matters into my own hands…

Here are just a couple of the tips and tricks I’ve picked up over the past year:

1. You know the old rule your mum used to say – “don’t go to sleep angry”, listen to you mum. Let him go to sleep and just watch his vulnerable defenseless face give you that moment of peace, that’s when you attack his ego sack and start tearing at those season tickets… his brain will soon tell him whose right and whose wrong.

2. “Pairs are made in heaven” – so when he throws that line into the argument because he thinks there’s no possible way you can argue with that, you just tell him that you also believe in pairs and most importantly keeping pairs together – so that designer bag comes with a designer pair of shoes, that diamond necklace also has some diamond earrings that just can’t be parted.

3. Okay there are times in your relationship where you may need reminding of why you married each other. In such instances, boys do not underestimate the power of fried chicken wings at 1am just to say “you are the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world and I love you dearly.”

I think I’ve got you kind of covered for the first 12 months or so. Of course there will be those irritating Dr wannabe Aunts who constantly want to examine, feel and probe the womb area because nothing’s popped out yet so some serious family meetings need to take place and apparently a bowl of ghee, sugar, flour and almonds will give you the strength to bring that baby into the world. Oh and don’t forget the work to married lifestyle digs yet to hear because fish finger buttys may not cut it as an evening meal for two (goodbye childhood).

But at the end of it all you live happily ever after…

You know why… because all those crazy moments in married life is part of this new adventure of two best friends which you wouldn’t change for the world.
Yes he snores, yes he has morning breath, yes he farts and doesn’t always flush but ladies lets not pretend that only pixie dust leaves our butt cheeks.

The biggest thing I’ve learnt in my year of marriage is that you marry the whole person…not only his cheeky grin that gave you butterflies when you met or his charm that gave those goosebumps but he is also the same man who farts, snores has temper issues and a whole lot of other drama to deal with. But he’s your man and you can’t ignore half and love the other half you need to bring the best out of each other, you’re one unit and you represent each other.

From snorkeling, to swimming with dolphins, gondola rides and wearing Christmas socks in mid summer we’ve done a whole load of crazy stuff together that I wouldn’t have done otherwise .

Thank you for always being the Cray in my Crazy.

Here’s to a lifetime and hereafter together…

P.s. Whilst writing this blog I thought it’d be a good idea to get some marriage advice from other married couples and here are the tools they recommended for the marriage survival kit:

• Don’t over-complicate issues
• Communication
• Patience
• Compromise
• Tent making skills for those lonely nights
• Make him believe he is the decision maker (advice from the lady who got married last week – she’s a smart one!)

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